My Sisters, My Expedition Team

When asked recently the most extreme thing I’ve ever done, I contemplated for a while before I responded “ joining a sorority”.

Everyone has their mountains to climb. For me those started out more metaphorically than literally. My own personal Everest formed in the shape of keeping female friendships. I struggled to fit in and find my niche growing up, like many other kids do. In essence, I was a solo climber. What I eventually learned is that in this climb called life, I was simply ill-equipped to really go at this alone. To truly succeed (summit) I needed an expedition team.

The greatest setback over the years came as recurring avalanches. I suffered mental, physical, and sexual abuse from an older girl in my neighborhood. In the wake of those events was a debri field far greater than I could understand at the time. I spent many years in that debri field, trying to pick up the pieces and find my way out. It took years before I could look back and realize I was lucky to be alive. I often wonder if it was sheer luck, or unrelenting perseverance that didn’t lead me down the path of addiction or suicide like so many others who experience similar traumas. However, although alive, I did not come out unscathed. Scars and haunts developed and a tortured soul relented. In many ways, the abuse carried on and took form through self inflicted mental damage which surely lead to my depression.

It just became easier as time went on to avoid the uncomfortable circumstances of befriending women. I found solace in my more masculine pursuits of sports, science, and math. Looking back, I feel grateful I had those healthy outlets available to me otherwise I’m not sure how things would have turned out. By the time I had reached my junior year of college, I was in a predominately male career path (engineering) and living with six guys. That environment became my security and being a tomboy was title I wore like an old glove, close and comfortable.

However, many nights I would still find myself vegging out watching Sex and the City, longing not for their Jimmy Choos or fleeting romances, but for my tribe, my expedition team. No longer content sitting home wishing for my Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha I set out on a mission. True to form, I drove in head first and began rushing a sorority and got comfortable being uncomfortable.

Bid Day Spring 2006

A few short weeks later, I got my bid on a beautiful spring day and fortunately I never got what I wanted. I never got my fab four like Sex and the City. I did nonetheless, get exactly what I needed; my expedition team. I walked up to the sorority house that day to find over twenty women waiting, cheering, banging pots and pans, and celebrating my arrival as if it was the New Year. Their arms were outstretched ready to embrace me, and I braced myself as if I was ready to jump off a bridge into a cool river. I took a deep breath, let the cold anxious feelings wash over me, and then slowly become dissipated by the warmth and love around me.

Epsilons - Spring 2006 

All the while the only thing I could hear was a little voice in my head saying, “ They picked ME, they want ME.” Me - for all my bumps and bruises, my non-girly ways. They want me. Looking back at that moment, I can’t help but acknowledge that while what I wanted was girlfriends, what I truly needed was love and acceptance. Love and acceptance from not only other women, but from myself.

It was in that moment, I realized I didn’t have to be exactly like them or every other woman. They appreciated me because I was different. I didn’t have to be like them for them to love me and want to call me their sister. They were proud of my more tomboy pursuits. They bragged about the former wrestler and showed up at my hockey games with posters making me one of the few players with a whole cheering section. All the support and acceptance helped me to truly embrace our motto, "Esse Quam Videri - to be rather than to seem to be" and let me be more me. Eventually embracing it so hard, I got it tattooed on my wrist.

Best cheer section to date

It’s been ten years since my bid day and most people still find it shocking that I joined a sorority. It still remains one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. When I think about the woman I’ve become and the difficulties I’ve faced, I know I wouldn’t be half the woman I am without the women in my life.They’ve been the first ones to send me words of encouragement on each new crazy venture I take and they still show up to my sporting events with posters. Others have roped up with me to take the mountain on together, others to give me the beta (advice) on the climb ahead, some have gone ahead to break trail, other times they’ve let me take the lead, and lastly some maintained support from base camp waiting for my return, ready to welcome me home and mend any injuries that ensued. Through it all, they teach me to believe, to be vulnerable, to accept, to support, and most of all to love. They truly have been my expedition team as I summit every new peak that life presents and I couldn’t be more grateful.


To my soul and summit sisters, yours in true sisterhood - Nicole